i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
