i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i already hear my dad disowning me
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
