so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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