I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
