I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Everclear isn't food dammit
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
