I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
