I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
