I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
