this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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