I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
