sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
