Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
