I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
