I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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