Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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