I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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