the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
