I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
