I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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