Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
