i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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