I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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