It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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