he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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