don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
