In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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