if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
