I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
