Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
