I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
