dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
