Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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