about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
