he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
lol hangovers are for mortals.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
