Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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