when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
