My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
