Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
