Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
