Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
