Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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