If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I don't deserve a penis
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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