He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
