My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
