Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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