Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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