my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
