Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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