made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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