I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
